Rambling

I’m staring at this blank page trying to think of something to write. The black cloud that hovers over me sometimes drowns out my thoughts. Sometimes my emotions are so strong that I can’t even put them into words. Sometimes I have trouble even figuring out what I’m feeling.

As I sit here staring at this blank page, trying to formulate something of substance, I draw a blank. So, I let my fingers do the talking. Whatever letters my fingers touch on this keyboard, will be the words that appear on the page. Sometimes they flow and sometimes I try to force the words to travel from my brain to my hands. However, when I speak from my heart, my fingers flow more freely.

Sometimes the words get stuck before reaching my fingertips. They make it half way down to my heart and can’t seem to escape. My heart captures these emotions. My heart captures these thoughts; holding them captive when they just want to be set free. My mind tries to tell my heart what to feel, but my heart won’t accept it. My heart is stubborn.

My eyes can see the words, but cannot comprehend the meaning behind them. I can feel my fingers typing but what exactly are they saying? What point are they even trying to make? I’m just rambling, trying to figure out the truth from a lie; trying to make sense of the disconnect between my heart and my mind.

My heart and mind are always at war. My heart loves unconditionally, but my mind tries to put logic in place of love. My mind wants to focus on reality, while my heart thrives on the beating of emotions. How can I get the two to agree? How do I let my mind convince my heart that I cannot live on emotion alone?

How do I know which one is best to control me? Do I follow my heart? Or do I follow logic? My heart seems to be the one that is always getting me into trouble. If I would follow logic, maybe I wouldn’t get hurt. My heart is stronger than my mind. My love is stronger than logic. I can sit here and force-write what is on my mind, or I can freely divulge what is in my heart. There is power in our words.

When my heart and mind don’t agree, it causes confusion. It makes me question truth. It can drive me insane when my heart tells me one thing but my mind tells me another. My fingers are more connected to my heart than my mind. I can write down what’s in my heart, but have trouble admitting what’s on my mind. I can try to send these thoughts to my heart, but my heart doesn’t want to accept logic.

Blah, blah, blah. What am I even talking about? What am I rambling on about? Why do I have to make life so difficult?

Logic or love. Love or logic. Never both. Why can’t I choose?

Logic requires power of will. Logic requires discipline. Logic requires self-control when the heart feels out of control.

I want so badly to choose love, but my mind keeps trying to convince me to choose logic. My mind tells me it’s not right, but my heart tells me it’s okay. My mind can cut off love in a moment’s notice without ever looking back, but my heart can’t seem to shake free.

I’m surprised at the amount of words that have appeared on this page, but I don’t know why. Why am I surprised? My heart has so much to say but is it really saying anything? It just continues to jabber in hopes of making sense of love. No matter how many words I write, love cannot be explained. No matter how much I try and convince myself of logic, my heart cuts off the thoughts.

The beating of my heart is too loud for my mind to think clearly. My heart has no will power. My heart has no discipline. My heart has no self-control. None. My heart beats his name, while my mind hates him. My heart accelerates at the sound of his voice, but my mind doesn’t want to hear him speak. My eyes always reveal what’s in my heart, but my mind wants to keep them closed. My words come from my heart, but my mind doesn’t want me to speak. My heart wants to go all-in, but my mind wants to stay all-out. My heart aches for his touch, but my mind is repulsed at the thought. My heart is waiting for that phone call, but my mind wants to smash my phone with a hammer. My heart can’t wait to see him, but my mind wants me to run the other way. My heart wants to melt at the thought of being with him, but my mind wants my heart to be stone cold. My heart wants to forgive, while my mind wants to be angry. My heart wants to heal, while my mind remembers the pain.

See what I mean? My mind and heart are at battle, each in their own trench, shooting missiles at each other, trying to overpower one another. And here I am, in the middle of this war, trying to avoid the land mines that have been set to destroy me. Here I am, trying to make peace between the two. Here I am, trying to balance when both are almost too heavy to carry.

Ugh.

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3 thoughts on “Rambling

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