Anxiety. Is. Horrible. It really messes with every ounce of your body. All the way from your head to your toes. I never really had anxiety before until the past 5 or 6 months or so. I mean, I always had a little bit of nervousness, but not the full blown anxiety that I have now.
Sometimes in the morning when I wake up, I feel like my heart is not beating right. I feel like it is fluttering and trying to keep up with the blood flow. Like it’s tired and it just wants to rest, yet beats so hard I get light headed. I can feel it throughout my whole body. I can feel it in my stomach, my head, my eyes, my feet, my hands, my wrists. I always feel nervous. My thoughts are always in a blur. You know that feeling you get right before you go on stage or speak in front of a crowd of people? That is how I feel all the time- even when I have nothing to be nervous about.
Ever since the death of my little Angel Baby, my nightmares have increased, as well as my night sweats, and my heart beat. My stomach is constantly in knots. I am always tired- like the depths of my mind don’t allow my body to sleep. Restful sleep seems to be a thing of the past. The mind really is complex. The way it adjusts and reacts to circumstances or situations is amazing. I always thought I had control over my reactions and my emotions, but I guess I was wrong.
My mind and my soul constantly compete against each other. My soul knows that my God is a God of peace- not worry. My soul knows my God is a God of strength- not weakness. My soul knows that my God is a God of order- not chaos. My soul knows that my God is a God of rest- not panic. But, my mind seems to believe otherwise.
The Bible tells us to be anxious for NOTHING. Really? Nothing? How is that even possible? I know that without God, my anxiety would be unmanageable at this point, but it is still there. It’s always lurking in the pit of my stomach, like I’m patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The doctor tells me it is situational stress. So they medicate me. The medication has worked, but what happens when I stop taking it? It just masks the initial problem to numb the pain. The medicine helps make your brain forget the pain in the pit of your stomach. But only for a little while. Then, when it wears off, they will want to increase your medicine. They want it to alter your brain. They want to tell it to stop being so nervous. Tell your brain to tell the rest of your body that everything will be okay.
The only time I am at peace is when I am in the presence of God. During my quiet time with the Lord. When I am reading His Word, praying, and seeking answers. It’s the only thing that helps me fall asleep. And I’ve begun reading every morning before work to help calm my nerves. In those peaceful moments, the pit in my stomach goes away for a little while. In those moments I feel safe. God is the only thing that helps me to forget my troubles.
No one on this earth could convince me that He is not real. My relationship with Him has been the only thing to sustain me. He has led me and guided me when I didn’t even know it. He had me in the right place at the right time- even when I felt like all was lost. His peace is real, his comfort is real, his love is real.
Anxiety might be real, but my God is absolute.